The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
A carjacker lurking in a shopping mall parking lot. An abusive husband pounding on the door. A disgruntled employee brandishing a gun. These days, no one is safe from the specter of violence.
But according to Gavin de Becker, everyone can feel safer, act safer, be safer — if they learn how to listen to their own sixth sense about danger.
De Becker has made a career of protecting people and predicting violent behavior. His firm handles security for many of the leading figures in Hollywood and Silicon Valley, and his computerized risk-assessment system helps analyze threats to members of Congress and the Supreme Court.
Now, in this unprecedented guide, de Becker shares his expertise with everyone. Covering all the dangerous situations people typically face — street crime, domestic abuse, violence in the workplace — de Becker provides real-life examples and offers specific advice on restraining orders, self-defense, and more. But the key to self-protection, he demonstrates, is learning how to trust our own intuitions.
For everyone who’s ever felt threatened, this book is essential reading.
For the Reading Challenge(s):
2026 Nonfiction Reader Challenge
The Reason
I’ve seen this book recommended many times as essential reading. And after reading it, I concur.
The Quotes
“It is understandable that the perspectives of men and women on safety are so different–men and women live in different worlds…at core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them.”
“I encourage people to remember that “no” is a complete sentence.”
“There’s a lesson in real-life stalking cases that young women can benefit from learning: persistence only proves persistence—it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn’t mean you are special—it means he is troubled.”
“We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning. Like rapport-building, charm and the deceptive smile, unsolicited niceness often has a discoverable motive.”
“I’ve successfully lobbied and testified for stalking laws in several states, but I would trade them all for a high school class that would teach young men how to hear “no,” and teach young women that it’s all right to explicitly reject.”
The Narrator(s)
The author, Gavin de Becker.
My Thoughts
This is essential reading for both men and women. I’ve been hearing about it for some time and finally decided to read it, and it made me wish I had read it sooner. Much of it talks about extreme situations, but there are also very good insights into how to set boundaries and not engage with people who make you feel uncomfortable in the first place. As a woman, I have myself been groomed since I was a child to be nice instead of assertive, to make men feel comfortable even while they make me uncomfortable, to allow myself to be “persuaded” (coerced) into situations I’ve already said no to.
I had a lot of deprogramming to do and this book would’ve been very helpful if only I had read it years ago. However, it’s still helpful now, and I believe that both men and women would benefit from reading this, because while women are more likely to be victims of violence, men are not exempt to it. Plus, I think that a lot of men don’t understand women’s concern for safety and this book might open up their eyes to it a little bit, and maybe help them be better allies and/or be more aware of not doing things that creep women out.
There are some things laid out in this book that can seem shocking and stark, and there are definitely some things that might be triggering, but I think some of it is necessary because the topic is stark and scary, and we should all be taking it seriously. So I’d recommend it as essential reading, but caution to go into it with some care and awareness.
My Rating
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐/5 stars.
Have you read this book? Would you read this book? Did you like the book or do you think you would like it?
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