Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship.
He says he loves you. So…why does he do that?
You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn
• The early warning signs of abuse
• The nature of abusive thinking
• Myths about abusers
• Ten abusive personality types
• The role of drugs and alcohol
• What you can fix, and what you can’t
• And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely“This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.”—Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., Director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health
For the Reading Challenge(s):
2020 Nonfiction Reader Challenge
2024 Audiobook Challenge
2024 Library Love Challenge
The Reason
I’ve seen so many recommendations for this book and I’ve been in a few abusive relationships so it made me curious. I’m also a people pleaser and have a hard time with boundaries and saying no. I wanted to find out what this book had to say and what I could learn from it.
The Quotes
“Your abusive partner doesn’t have a problem with his anger; he has a problem with your anger.”
“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”
“An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.”
“One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”
The Narrator
Peter Berkrot. Great narrator, clear and expressive.
My Thoughts
I got a lot out of this book and I think it’s really great for helping women recognize if they are in abusive relationships. I think it can also help abused women to navigate the self-blame mentality that they often have – “if I was better, he wouldn’t have lost his temper”, “it’s my fault for making him angry”, etc. Abusers gonna abuse, and it’s not your fault.
One thing that I’m not sure I agree with is the author’s belief that women cannot abuse men. He mentions that a lot of the time, what happens is that the men abuse the women to the point that the women become hysterical and/or fight back to defend themselves, then when witnesses/police arrive, the men act all calm but bruised from the women fighting back, while the women are hysterical and look crazy, and so it seems like the women were the abusers. While I’m sure that definitely happens, I also believe that women absolutely can be the abusers towards men.
This book was written more than 20 years ago so I don’t know if the author’s stance has changed or if there is an updated version, but I just want to mention that.
My Feels
This book made me sad in the beginning, because it reminded me of how young and naive I was, and how much I didn’t know and still don’t know, my difficulty in standing up for myself and saying no. I wish I had been stronger.
The later part of the book scared and infuriated me. It’s no wonder so many abused women find it difficult to leave and/or ask for help; there’s so much victim-blaming, and it’s so hard to get people to believe you when the abuser appears charming and great to everyone else, and you feel like a crazy person. And sometimes it’s the people who are supposed to help and advocate for you that are doing the most harm! We as a society need to do better. I don’t know how, but maybe a good start is for everyone to read this book regardless of whether you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship, because it’s a good bet that someone you know might be in one.
My Rating
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐/5 stars.
Have you read this book? Would you read this book? Did you like the book or do you think you would like it?
